Uncle Larry’s Schlumpia® attains coveted hipster compliance status

Yes – Schlumpia® adheres to all the current trends to ensure we have the hipster seal of approval.  In fact Schlumpia® strives to be all things to all people.  Every variety of our Jewish Filipino fusion premium artisanal craft small batch Schlumpia® are homemade, hand rolled, made and assembled in the USA, and are even fully open-sourced to please our loyal techie community.
pan of schlumpia
 Our team of Schlumpia® mixologists are feverishly working on new varieties and methods to satisfy the personalized palates of each of our consumer’s dietary needs.  We’re developing a gluten free wrapper for those of the GF persuasion,  and even a Mock Apple Strudel Schlumpia® that’s made with Ritz crackers for the ever-growing segment that loves apple strudel but hate apples.
We are also acutely allergen aware, and are have recently moved away from using  peanut oil in our products, along with pollen, cut grass, latex and dust.  We even  have a Schlumpia specially made for those with sensitive teeth, so that they too can enjoy a Pastrami Reuben Schlumpia®.
Our lofty goal is and has always been to create vegan, kosher, halal, pescatarian, cage-free, vegetarian, gluten-free, lactose free,nut-free, parve schlumpia without sacrificing our high culinary standards. We haven’t yet achieved this, but we’re not ready to give up.
Our “farm to fryer” methodology ensures that our Schlumpia® are sourced with the most local, fresh, high quality products available.  When possible we choose organic, grass fed, foraged, wild caught, non GMO ingredients.  All our heirloom recipes are based on authentic family recipes as opposed to just winging it.
Are we embellishing or exaggerating a bit? Yes, but we do it for the all the right reasons although at this time we don’t know what they are.  Just remember, “Everything tastes better in a Schlumpia®.”
Schlumpia guy
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One thought on “Uncle Larry’s Schlumpia® attains coveted hipster compliance status

  1. “Our lofty goal is and has always been to create vegan, kosher, halal, pescatarian, cage-free, vegetarian, gluten-free, lactose free,nut-free, parve schlumpia without sacrificing our high culinary standards. We haven’t yet achieved this, but we’re not ready to give up.” This is so funny

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